My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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