where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
