youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
