I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
My bed smells like the plague
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
