he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
