I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
