i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
