dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
