i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
