Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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