this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
