Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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