You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
