my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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