this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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