How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
