Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
