Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
