I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
