Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
