if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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