I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
