I have demons in me.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
