I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
