I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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