i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
