Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Randomize
