somebody snuck up and got me drunk
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
