my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I made him laugh his dick is mine
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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