Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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