i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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