We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
