Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
