Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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