No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
