Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
