He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
don't judge my taste in strippers
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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