Can i not drive my cunt home
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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