Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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