Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
A+ Viking dick
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
