remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
