everyone is single if you try hard enough
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Randomize
