so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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