help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
