the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
