I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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