I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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