I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize