yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
