Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
