Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
