I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
