Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
