well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
