Your dad touched me again.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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