yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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