if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
