Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
